Troubled

hmmm.... i really don't get a single thing that what my parents are up to... they can be good and they can be bad.. are they trying to use materials to push me down so that i can listen to them and get marry to a girl?????

i do not want to think of them that way... not in every possible way that i would think of them as a bad parents... they have taught me well.. especially my mom. even with her extremely strict rules and every single thing that she put me through. i'm blessed to have them. if not.. i wouldn't be here at all.. the other time me and mom we were like talking. i mean it's more like i confronted her what's actually bothering her with me being gay. i mean i felt there's nothing wrong with it. i really wished that she could understand every single thing that im going through. she was so afraid that relatives would start talking and she don't know where to put her face at.

it just seems so far away that she could accept the things that i wanted to tell her. -sigh- but i dunno.. during the conversation.. things that she told me.. i felt... hurt... because i felt that the acceptance from her is not there...

Me : You really want me to marry a girl and forever not be happy with myself? (on the verge of tearing)

Mom : then you being with him can make u happy?

Me : at least i felt like myself. (running to my room crying )

during these moments.. i felt.. crushed... i don't know what to do but cry. i was gonna go to my high school with my classmate that time. so i was packing my stuff to go my classmate's house (he's fetching me to school) then mom came in and told me not to go out like that. i listened to her and cool myself down... and slowly go out with my iPod and earphones plugged into my ears.

during work time.. i sent her an apology text. she sent me back that one of my aunt critic her because of what my brother told my aunt last time. i sent her back that the aunt is not my mom. she is. she raised me and there's nothing more i care about is only her and dad's think of me.

there's nothing more i care. honestly speaking, right now i'm dealing it with fear that one day they would kick me out of the house and not care about me anymore. honestly that is what i'm freaking afraid of. but.. i don't know... things can change with a snap of a finger and i will have no home to stay or living in a world with nothing for me to spare.

this sure look like a drama series don't you think? haha. oh well.. i wish that every single thing i wouldn't change at all right now. it just seem destiny has it's way of saying i'm ready to step further but i don't felt like that so.

i wonder.

:|

'Cause you're hot then you're cold~
you're yes then you're no~
you're in then you're out~
you're up then you're down~

this is what i'm feeling about him.. haha.. well... not all the things spoken or heard is believable..

i'm following the flow.. or better said... i'm running away from the truth... don't wanna know the actual truth... what to do? :)

i'm not being emotional... i'm being honest to myself... i wanna be with him... yet every single thing, the action, the spoken words... has made me confused.....

i'm confused.... oh well...

we'll see how it goes.. haha... i'm fine anyway... :)

i have never expected this to happen at all.. all these parents finding out and meeting him.. i guess sometimes it's fated to be like this.. sometimes it's not.. am i being too insensitive by asking too much even though he's not mine? or is it just plain bullshit to say that what i'm feeling right now is totally irrelevant.. i want to feel that i'm right about what i'm feeling..

too much drama... gotta clear it out...

Psychologically....

hmmm... that sounds..... awesome right? :P

i actually went to see a psychologist today. which my dad wanted it. so i went.

i went in... She asked me to sit down at a sofa... and started to ask questions...

Dr. XXXX :" So... Dr.XXXXX suggested that you come and see me.. Any particular reason? "
Me : " err... well... i'm sexually attracted to guys... so... yeah... that's what today is all about. "
Dr. :" oookaayy... so you're accepting it or no? "
Me : " i fully accepted it and understand the situation and everything. it's my parents.. mostly my dad wants me to come see you. hopefully that u can turn me straight.. "
Dr : " you do know that is impossible right?? "

so both of us continue blabbing about every single thing in my life...

thus... comes to a conclusion...

that she said... it's best that i be independent... then my parents won't be poking into my life...

funny thing she said :" so ur dad expect me to have a magic wand to turn u straight again? "

apparently i told her that i felt like ending my life so that i won't have to face any of this problems anymore. im tired of all the dramas going on. but somehow... the things she said... totally opened up my mind... and she's freaking nice! LOL! and friendly...

well... after that... i went out... find my dad... asked whether he wanna go pay or he wanna go see the psychologist.. he chose to see her. ok..

he went in. talked to her... partially got bombed halfway... talk talk talk... finally got bombed by her.

*            *           *

dad said :" you haven't even explore women yet... you don't even know what wonders women's body can do. "

Dr . : " so ur saying that he should keep his options open? "

dad :" yeah. "

Dr. : " (looking at me while raising an eye brow) hear what ur dad say? keep your options open "

*          *            *

LOL! that was extremely funny. after that... he was bombed once, twice and thrice.. :| lol. ><

felt sorry for him... coz she was kind of explain the whole situation to him... but he's not taking it in. @@"

after that... we left... before i leave the room.. i looked at her... she gave me another raised eye brow. haha... so funny... and i waved good bye.. :)

well... pretty much i was quite..... relieve... like right now... i'm free of thoughts... not a single one... :) and i'm happy... the only thing that is on my mind now... is him... :)

<3 <3 <3

:)

awesome day at work. haha.. been floating around the place here and there... not sure what happen... i guess i'm just pretty happy for the whole day.

thursday is therapy day. -__-" therapy sound so awesome right now. i wished for everything to be ok. smooth as a baby's buttock. haha. XD

we'll see then... :)

kiss kiss~~ ^^

XD

AWEZOME! it's awezome!! ahaha!!

soo... apparently.... being gay has nothing to do with HORMONE! how 'bout that??? like duh?? the funniest thing is that the whole conversation with the doctor and my dad being behind me. blerk! take that..

so~~~ starting from the registration counter.~~~

Lady : Hi. Good morning. Which department would you like to see? (something like that)
Dad : Yes. I wanna find a physician to check on... err.... (look at me) what is it ar??? errrr.... blood? no.. not that...
Me : Hormone (roll eyes)
Dad : yes. hormone check. that's it.
Lady : oh. ok. (introduce doctor's name. blah blah blah... )

then comes to the time to weigh in and check bp.

Nurse : so what do you wanna check for today?
Me : just medical check up. nothing much.
(few minutes later after checking weight and bp.)
Nurse : can you be specific on the medical check up? like what type?
Me : my parents wants me to get a hormone check. (annoyed voice)
Nurse : oh. ok. well.. just take a seat outside. when it's ur turn, we'll call ur name.

the whole time waiting just to see him was like almost 3 hours. =.=" he has to rush to make rounds... little over 1pm reached my turn. :| go inside...

Dad : Good Afternoon.
Doc : same to you. So, what makes you decide to take a hormone check?
Me : It's not me. Ask him. ( pointing to dad )
Dad : well, you see doc. He seems to be attracted to gay groups.
Doc : Oh. Actually that has nothing to do with hormone. (continue blabbing about it). (looking at me) So, are you ashamed of it?
Me : no. (partial annoyed)
Doc : So when did u start realizing it?
Me : well~~ i realized it around at the end of primary school~~ at high school i'm having mixed feelings about it~~ then after high school... i'm pretty sure of it.
Doc : So it means ur accepting it?
Me : yeah. why not?
Doc : is any of ur friends and family not accepting it?
Me : few of my friends knew.
Doc : so it's just ur parents.. father not accepting it?
Me : yeah.
Doc : hmm... ok.. well.. how old are you now??? age 21?? age 21 is actually at the confusing stage. i been through that stage.. So it's ok.
Me : (look at doc. almost raise an eyebrow)
Doc : well, don't worry.. if you want, you can seek a counsellor/psychologist ..
Dad : (straight cut in) oh. good. who would you recommend?
Doc : we have this particular psychologist whom is very nice. (blah blah blah) could set an appointment with her for you
Dad : ok. please help us set the appointment.
Me : (roll eyes)
Doc : (ask other things about me, checking my fingers and bones, halfway say that fingers very long.. which there's a condition for it.. can go check)

so pretty much my wednesday event.. pretty boring~~ haha... by anyone standard... it wouldn't be boring at all...

speaking of which, dad was so enthusiastic about the psychologist next week.. i told him it's ok. i can go myself. he said.. nono... we need to tell the doctor about the introduction. =.="

WHAT FUCKING INTRODUCTION IS NEEDED?!
Hi doctor, im gay. my dad wants to seek your advice on how to turn me back to normal.

blahh!!!

whatever... i'm waiting for thursday to come.. next week! =.="