Mood

How funny a little thing that a person did can totally change a person's mood. I experienced that last night. I'm totally out of mood. People kept saying it's not worth for me anymore. It's not worth. I would have know myself better than other people but I'm letting this thing beating me up like a rag doll to a baby.

I don't wanna think about it anymore. I'm just too kiddy for this matter. haha.

confused.

hmm.. i put everything on the table now... my feelings.. what i felt... what i thought... but.... it just seems so.... confused...

may be there's something better waiting for me... but i know there aren't anymore... my mind is only him... i would just wait and wait and wait... haiz...

Troubled

hmmm.... i really don't get a single thing that what my parents are up to... they can be good and they can be bad.. are they trying to use materials to push me down so that i can listen to them and get marry to a girl?????

i do not want to think of them that way... not in every possible way that i would think of them as a bad parents... they have taught me well.. especially my mom. even with her extremely strict rules and every single thing that she put me through. i'm blessed to have them. if not.. i wouldn't be here at all.. the other time me and mom we were like talking. i mean it's more like i confronted her what's actually bothering her with me being gay. i mean i felt there's nothing wrong with it. i really wished that she could understand every single thing that im going through. she was so afraid that relatives would start talking and she don't know where to put her face at.

it just seems so far away that she could accept the things that i wanted to tell her. -sigh- but i dunno.. during the conversation.. things that she told me.. i felt... hurt... because i felt that the acceptance from her is not there...

Me : You really want me to marry a girl and forever not be happy with myself? (on the verge of tearing)

Mom : then you being with him can make u happy?

Me : at least i felt like myself. (running to my room crying )

during these moments.. i felt.. crushed... i don't know what to do but cry. i was gonna go to my high school with my classmate that time. so i was packing my stuff to go my classmate's house (he's fetching me to school) then mom came in and told me not to go out like that. i listened to her and cool myself down... and slowly go out with my iPod and earphones plugged into my ears.

during work time.. i sent her an apology text. she sent me back that one of my aunt critic her because of what my brother told my aunt last time. i sent her back that the aunt is not my mom. she is. she raised me and there's nothing more i care about is only her and dad's think of me.

there's nothing more i care. honestly speaking, right now i'm dealing it with fear that one day they would kick me out of the house and not care about me anymore. honestly that is what i'm freaking afraid of. but.. i don't know... things can change with a snap of a finger and i will have no home to stay or living in a world with nothing for me to spare.

this sure look like a drama series don't you think? haha. oh well.. i wish that every single thing i wouldn't change at all right now. it just seem destiny has it's way of saying i'm ready to step further but i don't felt like that so.

i wonder.

:|

'Cause you're hot then you're cold~
you're yes then you're no~
you're in then you're out~
you're up then you're down~

this is what i'm feeling about him.. haha.. well... not all the things spoken or heard is believable..

i'm following the flow.. or better said... i'm running away from the truth... don't wanna know the actual truth... what to do? :)

i'm not being emotional... i'm being honest to myself... i wanna be with him... yet every single thing, the action, the spoken words... has made me confused.....

i'm confused.... oh well...

we'll see how it goes.. haha... i'm fine anyway... :)

i have never expected this to happen at all.. all these parents finding out and meeting him.. i guess sometimes it's fated to be like this.. sometimes it's not.. am i being too insensitive by asking too much even though he's not mine? or is it just plain bullshit to say that what i'm feeling right now is totally irrelevant.. i want to feel that i'm right about what i'm feeling..

too much drama... gotta clear it out...